


Tipping The Scales

by Sunsoaked_castiel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Coming Out, Depression, Homophobia, Hurt Alec, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Protective Jace Wayland, Sad Alec, Self-Harm, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-27 03:16:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15676923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunsoaked_castiel/pseuds/Sunsoaked_castiel
Summary: "Jace knew something was up of course. The Parabatia bond between them let him know how Alec felt and vice-versa. Again, Alec knew it was only a matter of time before anyone knew what was going on with him. It wasn't easy to hide the crushing feeling of hurt from Jace..."Alec has been dealing with his self destructive feelings for a while until Jace noticed that Alec was hurting and confronted him about it. The pair share their feelings and learn to grow past the near suicidal urges that they both feel, Jace with his lack of regard for himself whilst out demon hunting and Alec with his big secret and self destructive tendenciesThank you for betaing @Bubblemoon66 and @valduggerystuff





	Tipping The Scales

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic after not writing for nearly 11 months. I have recently started re-reading The Mortal Instruments and I feel like this would be good for me to get off of my chest. This is set around book one or 2. There are alternative methods that can help with being self destructive and suicidal and I encourage everyone to seek help! If anyone needs somebody to talk to whether you're sad or lonely or looking for a reason not to relapse 
> 
> Feedback is always welcomed! I hope you enjoy this fic:)

The itch has been building for days. Quiet at first, like a hum that his ears had to strain to hear. But of course, it never stayed as that tiny sound in the back of his mind. No, it always got higher in pitch to the point where Alec thought that he was going to vibrate right out of his skin. He couldn't shake it off with fighting or training. No matter how many demons he fought or how many times he'd stay up beating the punching bag in the main training room of the institute. No matter how he tried to distract himself it inevitably came back to this.

With his trousers pushed down, around his pale thighs, Alec Lightwood, Shadowhunter, up-keeper of the laws of the Clave and heir to the New York Institute, was reduced to weeping silently on the cold-tiled floor of his bathroom as he drew the knife across his thigh. Alec had forgotten exactly when it started, this violent need for control. He just knew that he needed it, now more than ever. Now that he knew about his sexuality and the pressures of stopping Valentine. Now that a certain attractive warlock had taken an interest in him which made it awkward and harder for him to ignore who he was and what the clave did to people like him. Whenever Magnus flirted with him, Alec was reminded that he could never have happiness. He could never have someone to curl up with at night, someone who would love him.

Taking a deep breath and holding it, Alec raked the knife across his left thigh, letting the breath loose as his lungs burned with gratitude. Hissing slightly, he watched as the blood ran onto the floor. The deep red blood always looked beautiful on the white, porcelain tiles. Alec resumed cutting, his hand getting shakier and shakier as tears blurred his vision. At least the thoughts about his future had stopped. At least the suffocating feeling had stopped. Until the next time.

There was always a next time. It didn't matter how many times Alec would tell himself that this relapse would be his last. It was a comforting lie. The illusion of recovery stopped him from thinking too deeply about what he was doing to himself. Or what anyone would say if they found out.  
Jace knew something was up, of course. The parabatai bond between them let him know how Alec felt and vice-versa. Again, Alec knew it was only a matter of time before anyone knew what was going on with him. It wasn't easy to hide the crushing feeling of hurt from Jace. Now more than ever Alec saw the concerned glances that he had earned whenever he limped after a bad slip up or the way he pushed himself too hard when training. His excuses got thinner and thinner. Claiming that he had slept on his leg funny or that he wanted to be ready to take on Valentine. Alec knew that Jace wasn't buying his lies but it wasn't like he could stop. The desperate need for pain rolled like crashing waves under the surface of his skin, slowly eroding away a shore.

Cleaning himself up expertly like he had known how to do since he began his training all those years ago, Alec pulled on a pair of sweatpants and dragged himself to bed early. His thighs throbbed as he put pressure on the new wounds, wincing when he turned over in his bed.

"Alec, open up. I know something's up with you," Jace's light footsteps blocked the light of the hallway that crept under the white door of Alec's room. Alec knew his brother was anxious without having to reach through the parabatai bond. "Please, Alec."

Alec knew more than anybody that golden-haired boy rarely used words such as please and thank you. The worry dripped from the words like they were caked in anxiety.

“I’m fine, Jace,” Alec argued feebly, feeling like he wanted to sob which only served to frustrate him. Alec took a sharp breath as he pushed down on his thigh harshly. Making the pain more vibrant.

“Alec I’m coming in, okay?” Jace counted to five silently, knowing that he would need to approach this calmly. He had his suspicions about what exactly Alec had been doing. (After all, it's not like Jace hasn't thought about it himself after the fight with his father at Renwicks. There was a reason he got into so many fights. He ached to be hurt.)

The room was dark, illuminated only by the moon and the lights of the city coming in from the open curtains. The window was open which chilled the room and made the hair on Jace’s arms stand on end.

“Do you want to tell me what this is about?” He spoke calmly. Fighting the panic that was rising in his throat. Something was definitely not right. In the distance, the pair could hear the faint rumble of car engines. “And don’t say that you’re fine. I know you’re not”, Jace said, cutting Alec off before he even spoke.

“I don't want to talk about it,” he finally said after an uncomfortable silence had graced the room.

“I won’t tell mom or dad, I swear,” Jace said as he locked the door. Ignoring Alec’s reply, pulling up a chair from Alec’s desk, he turned it around so that he was facing his stepbrother. Resting his closed hands on the back of the chair and putting his chin on it, he looked into Alec’s blue eyes. Jace hadn't noticed the pain that welled up in them before. Like he was fighting a battle behind his irises.

Alec avoided looking into Jace’s eyes as he pretended that the spot of the floor by his bookshelf was the most interesting part of the room. With a sigh, Jace adjusted his position on the chair, searching for things to say.

"You know that I love you, right?" Alec nodded. 

"And you know that I would do almost anything for you?"

Alec nodded again. His mouth contorted into a firm line as he swallowed the lump that seemed to have made residence in his throat

"Alec, I know how you feel," Jace tried again. "The recklessness, the sarcasm, the snide remarks. It's a mask. I'm a lost, scared person, Alec, and I know you are too and I also know that you're not dealing with it healthily."

"I just feel so fucking sad, Jace. I feel sad and numb and God it just doesn't stop," Alec finally hiccuped. Sobs making their way up his throat and out into the silence of the room before he could stop them. Great, now Jace would think he was weak.

Jace was taken aback by Alec's words. He knew his Parabatai felt bad but he didn't know how bad it had gotten. The blond had noticed the weird depressed feeling at the back of his mind when they were first declared parabatai but he thought that that was just how Alec felt through the bond. He thought that was just what it felt like to be a shadowhunter. Now, as sobs and gasps shook his parabatai's small, slender frame he knew that how he and how his brother felt wasn't good. It wasn't healthy.

"Hey, it's okay," Jace said. Quickly moving from the chair and onto the bed next to Alec, but the older boy shook him off and started pacing backwards and forwards opposite his bed. Hands clenched into fists so tightly his knuckles turned white and pain bloomed where his nails were digging into his palms.

"It's not okay!" He almost shouted. His fists shook and Jace briefly wondered how long this had been building up for. When Alec spoke again his voice was thick with emotion. "I'm not okay. I'm sick, Jace! I'm sick and wrong."

"Why would you say that?" Confusion blossomed over the blond's angelic face. Alec was sick? Did Isabelle know? Before any of the questions that circled his mind could be asked, Alec perched on the edge of his bed. His head bowed as he wrung his fingers.

"I'm gay," Alec whispered. Fresh, new tears rolling down his face. Not daring to look at the face of his Parabatai. Sobs shuddered and racked his body.  
"Hey, hey, Alec. That's okay," Jace said as he pulled Alec into a tight hug. Alec wrapped his arms around his stepbrother as he sobbed seven years worth of pain out. Seven years he had kept it a secret. Seven years he had been so terrified of how people would react to knowing his sexuality. It was such a relief that Jace loved him despite what was drilled into them both by the Clave since they were less than ten years old.

"Will you let me use an Iratze on you?" Jace asked carefully as he pulled away from Alec slightly. Wanting to look into his face. They were still wrapped up in each other's arms but Alec was no longer crying though his eyes were puffy and red. It hurt Jace to see his Parabatai so distressed. Stoic, silent, Alec who was never a hair out of line. Alec who always kept his emotions in check. The perfect soldier, just how The Clave liked it.

Alec looked away as he shook his head. No. Jace pulled him back into the hug so his stepbrother couldn’t see the disappointment in his eyes. Now was not the time for how Jace felt. Alec needed him.

“I don't want to be alone,” Alec whispered some time later. His voice was rough and scratchy. They had moved from the edge of Alec’s bed and they were now lying side by side like they did when they were children. It was late now and everybody was in bed. The only thing that could be heard was Church going about his nightly activities. Alec’s stomach rumbled. Reminding the pair that they hadn’t eaten since earlier that day.

“Come on. I think there’s still some leftovers in the fridge,” The blond said as he got up. Alec did the same and the pair walked through the quite, familiar halls of the institute. Those halls had witnessed the pair grow up. Learn how to carve runes and fight demons and overcome every hardship that could be thrown their way. It only seemed right that they were there to watch Alec become a more confident, less bitter young man.

The kitchen lights worsened Alec’s headache as he squinted up at them and scowled. Jace motioned for him to sit down at the table as he dimmed the witchlights. Alec smiled gratefully as Jace handed him a glass of water and a take-out box from Taki’s. After a few minutes of chasing his food around the plate, Jace broke the silence with a question which he hated that he needed to ask.

“There’s a missing knife from the armoury,” He started cautiously as he glanced at Alec who had seemed to have gone paler. “I asked Isabelle and she says that everything that we used on our last mission was accounted for.”

Fuck! Alec internally screamed. He hadn’t had chance to return the stolen blade to the weapons room before Jace had walked in.  
“Alec,” Jace almost whispered. Once the question is out in the open it could not be taken back and Jace could see that Alec had already guessed as to what the question would be. “Have you been hurting yourself?”

Alec nodded nonchalantly, too stunned to speak or think of an excuse or a lie. Alec can predict Jace’s next question as he thinks back to a few days ago when some of the other shadowhunters had been throwing around slurs at each other jokingly, like the weight behind them were nonexistent. Like thousands of people hadn’t been killed with the same word echoing in their ears.

“Why?”

“You know how Maryse and Robert would react if they found out about any of this,” Alec said as if that explained everything. The fact that Maryse and Robert would react badly to finding out that their eldest son was gay was a thing that haunted his dreams. Too often Alec had nightmares where he was de-runed and kicked out of the institute. Izzy and Jace turning their backs on him. Shunning him as if he was an abomination. Jace nodded like he understood and for a quick second, Alec’s blood boiled. He doesn’t understand. Nobody except for other gay shadowhunters could understand what he was going through. If there were any other gay shadowhunters…

No, he shook that thought from his mind. There had to be other gay shadowhunters. He couldn’t be the only one.

"Hey, it's okay. Breathe buddy," Jace cut through Alec's train of thought. Taking two deep breaths, Alec began to fidget with the chopsticks that came with the meal.

"Why don't we go watch a movie and relax a bit?" Jace asked as he took the now empty containers and dumped them in the bin. “I’ll see if Izzy’s up.”

They settled with watching Lilo and Stitch in Alec’s room. Jace had borrowed Isabelle’s laptop and given a hasty explanation to her that Alec wasn’t feeling great and they wanted to watch a fun movie to distract him. Smiling, she walked into her big brother’s room and made herself comfortable next to Alec. Jace on his right and Isabelle on his left. They all knew that there was no easy fix for Alec but having his family surrounding him made it that little bit easier for him to reach out for help and to recover and grow past the issues that he had.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, feedback and positive comments are always wanted!


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